We're so pretty when we fake. I'm such a liar when I smile.

We're so pretty when we fake. I'm such a liar when I smile.

To the Not So Fabulous Life of Me...

"It's like if I blamed my Aunt Helen, I would have to blame her dad for hitting her and the friend of the family that fooled around with her when she was little. And the person that fooled around with him. And God for not stopping all this and things that are much worse. And I did do that for awhile, but then I just couldn't anymore. Because it wasn't going anywhere. Because it wasn't the point.

I'm not the way I am because of what I dreamt and remembered about my Aunt Helen. That's what I figured out when things got quiet. And I think that's very important to know. It made things feel clear and together. Don't get me wrong. I know what happened was important. And I needed to remember it. But it's like when the doctor told me the story of these two brothers whose dad was a bad alcoholic. One brother grew up to be a successful carpenter who never drank. The other brother ended up being a drinker as bad as his dad was. When they asked the first brother why he didn't drink he said that after he saw what it did to his father, he could never bring himself to even try it. When they asked the other brother, he said that he guessed he learned how do drink on his father's knee. So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

I think that if I ever have kids, and they're upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad. Just like what my sister said when I had been in the hospital for awhile. She said that she was really worried about going to college, and considering what I was going through, she felt really dumb about it. But I don't know why she would feel dumb. I'd be worried, too. And really, I don't think I have it any better or worse than she does. I don't know. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is really to be there. Like Sam said. Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them."

---The Perks of Being A Wallflower---

Just be yourself...Don't feel pity, feel empathy. Everyone has a rough time. Some harder than others, it doesn't matter. You feel how you feel. People can tell you how you're feeling is wrong, or that you shouldn't feel that way... But it's your life... Feel how you want to feel. Or how you feel like you have to feel in a certain situation.

We Accept the love we think we Deserve...

02/09/06 --- Starting a new site. I'll be building onto it for awhile, it's only in a rough draft form at the moment, but enjoy.

It's mind numbing to think of yesterday. I'd run to you now if I could, but things have changed.